1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
