high people should be assigned attendants
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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