my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
