i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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