This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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