I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She bit a glass in half.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
