my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize