It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
