I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
