I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
not ubering you a puppy
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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