so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
