for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
