I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
