yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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