She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Randomize
