I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
