i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
