if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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