can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I looked at my own cervix.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
