Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
