The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
