Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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