so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
