respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Of course I have a pirate flag
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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