"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
