Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
