sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
