found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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