I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
