You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
