apparently the secret to your success is patron
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
