either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
