It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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