so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
