currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
