and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
