this beer tastes like vomit already
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
