ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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