Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
