Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
