I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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