I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The Olympian is in my bed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My feet surprised me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
