My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
