i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
