Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
