Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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