I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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