I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
