Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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