just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
