I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
