So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
