His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
