I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
