I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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